What is style? Who determines what style is? Editors, publicists, and consumers are a few possibilities. In English 328, we were introduced to the writings on style by Joseph M. Williams, William Strunk and E.B. White. Using many of the instructions included in these books, I was able to write a more coherent, cohesive, and succinct analysis of a 2009 television commercial in regards to the four categories of style that were set forth over 2,000 years ago by ancient rhetoricians.
The first thing I did was review my paper for unnecessary words. Williams and Strunk both offer advice for this. According to The Elements of Style, Strunk and White advise to “Omit needless words” (23). “A sentence should contain no unnecessary words…” In Style Toward Clarity and Grace, Williams gets a little more specific in naming categories; redundant pairs, redundant modifiers, redundant categories, meaningless modifiers, pompous diction, metadiscourse, and complex wordiness are a few of the topics he discusses in the Concision Chapter. Taking my red pen to my paper, I was able pare out over 300 words. For example in the original 3rd paragraph, I described the background as being “stark white” I eliminated the redundant modifier “stark.” In paragraph 4, I stated that Clarity is the ability to let the meaning or the intent of the message shine through loud and clear. Loud and clear are a redundant pair of words that mean the same thing as “shine through”. In a number or paragraphs I was able to reduce or eliminate needless metadiscourse (self thought about writing) that had no relevance to the readings or the paper. For example, in paragraph 3, I originally wrote I was surprised by how many of the technical terms that were identified and written about over 2,000 years ago are still employed as criteria to determine effective writing style today. Metaphors, alliteration, hyperbole and irony are just a few examples. This has no current relevance to the paper that I was writing or the commercial that I was analyzing. By eliminating these unnecessary words, phrases and sentences my paper had better clarity and concision.
Paragraphs one, two and three were edited and combined to convey a better sense of the purpose of the paper. Williams advises for a cohesive paper, “the most important concern of a writer, then, is not the individual topics of individual sentences, but the cumulative effect of the sequence topics (51). The intent of my paper was buried in the middle of the first paragraph. The following two paragraphs contained important information regarding the sequence of the topics that would be discussed – but did not read coherently By combining three paragraphs into one, (and deleting needless words,) my paper has better cohesion.
Before: Can a million dollar Madison Avenue advertising company create an effective and persuasive commercial using criteria set forth over 2,000 years ago. I believe it can be done. In their book, Ancient Rhetoric for Modern Students, Sharon Crowley and Debra Hawhee, write that Aristotle was among the first of many teachers to recognize that extraordinary uses of language could be studied and that rules could be drawn up and applied when using language to represent thoughts clearly and create change in emotional status (231).
I chose an Outlast Lipstain advertisement by Cover Girl to analyze. This commercial features actress Drew Barrymore as the spokesperson. The commercial is simple in that it only shows Drew, dressed in a colorful pink dress, set against a stark white back ground. There are many different head and full body shots dispersed throughout the commercial. The only other images to appear in the commercial are the Lipstain markers.
According to ancient rhetoricians there are four qualities that separate an effective style from a less effective one. These four categories are correctness, clearness, appropriateness and ornament. I was surprised by how many of the technical terms that were identified and written about over 2,000 years ago are still employed as criteria to determine effective writing style today. Metaphors, alliteration, hyperbole and irony are just a few examples
After: According to ancient rhetoricians there are four qualities of style that separate an effective style of writing from a less effective one. The assignment in English 328 was to use these categories of style to analyze the effectiveness of a current television commercial. Is it possible to use criteria created over 2,000 years ago to determine if a million dollar Madison Avenue made commercial has used these criteria effectively? An Outlast Lipstain advertisement by Cover Girl was chosen to be analyzed. This commercial features actress Drew Barrymore as the spokesperson. The setting of this commercial is completely white stage and background. Drew is the only character that appears in the commercial. The categories that will be reviewed are correctness, clearness, appropriateness and ornament. This paper will prove that the four qualities of style established over 2,000 can still be applied to multi-medial today to determine style and effectiveness.
In helping to keep the theme of the paper coherent, a number of topic sentences were rewritten to let the reader “how to frame the conceptual space that they are about to enter” (89). Williams makes this statement in terms of keeping topics and strings apparent and consistent. The beginning of paragraph 10 was rewritten to introduce the theme of figures and then give a number of examples of effectiveness in the commercial.
Before: This commercial also the contains use of repetition, calling attention to words or ideas that are important, that is also a figure of language.
After: Figures of language and thought are used many times in the commercial. Repetition, calling attention to words or ideas, is one example of a figure of language that is used in this commercial.
I followed the advice of Williams, Strunk and White in regards to writing with style. In do so, my revised addition of Ancient Style is a much more concise, cohesive and clearly written paper.
Works Cited
Crowley, Shannon, and Debra Hawhee. Ancient Rhetorics for Contemporary Students. 3rd ed. N.p.: Longman, 2003. 228-63. Web. Oct. 2010.
“A Glossary of Rhetorical Terms with Examples.” University of Kentucky, 2004. Web. 27 Sept. 2010.
